Next month marks 20 years since I boarded a plane to move to a place I had visited only once as a small child, to live with a family I knew almost nothing about, to take care of two little girls I had never met. After two years of college I was suffering from major burnout and I needed a break from the academic work, but also from the area where I had grown up.
I had never considered being a nanny – but there were no jobs to be found locally. When I found an ad for a job in Washington, DC, something inspired me to apply. After a summer of fruitless job-hunting I was thrilled that within just two weeks I found a job with a family in Northern Virginia.
That job, or rather, that family, changed my life.
The first few weeks were a bit rocky, but very quickly I felt at home there. The girls were 9 and almost 4 years old and I adored them. The older one often serious and very social, the younger girl was a whirlwind of activity and very smart – much like my own daughter is today.
Their mom taught me so much about parenting. The most important thing I learned from her is to make your time matter. Especially when it comes to time with your kids, make it matter.
Everywhere she went, she made friends. Both parents were military, so they had moved many times and acquired a long list of close friends. Christmas was truly impressive as this human dynamo spent weeks wrapping little gifts for the dozens of people on her list. Nothing extravagant, just ways to let all those people know that she was thinking of them.
Frequently there were dinner or overnight guests as friends came through town. There was always room for more.
But, what really made an impression on me was how this working mom made time for her kids. She always kept bags packed for camping or skiing, so they could take full advantage of their weekends whenever possible. She made time for her kids. Not just in big weekend trips, but also in little daily rituals.
I was raised to believe that kids should be independent, especially at night. Waking our parents was just short of a capital offense. I was at first appalled that their kids were allowed to wander into their parents’ room every night. How did anyone get any sleep with two growing kids in their bed? This was long before I had ever heard of attachment parenting. It took me a long time to realize that that extra time with their kids was part of what kept their family strong.
At the end of my year with them, “Mom” retired from her military career to be a full-time mom. She could have continued, making more money, achieving more in her career. She chose time with her kids instead.
Over the next several years I was invited for visits to their homes in California and North Carolina, and to watch over the kids when the parents traveled occasionally after they had moved back to Virginia. I loved spending time with them and especially the girls I had come to love so much. They were always brimming with tales of the adventures they had with their mom. Canoing, skiing, hanging out in the backyard, Girl Scouts (mom was a leader, of course) and so much time together.
I moved away from the area and my life got complicated. As introverts like me do in a crisis, I pulled into a tight little sphere and lost touch with many good friends. I often wondered how they were doing, but had no idea how to contact them. After I became a mom (finally!) I really wanted to talk to my old friend and mentor mom.
After a lengthy internet search I found a blog post about my friend – and I was devastated to learn that she had passed away about a year before after a tragic accident. Her girls were barely into adulthood and they had lost their mom. The world had lost a truly generous soul and a light that had touched so many lives.
As I mourned my lost friend, and the opportunity to talk with her again I found some clear lessons in her life and my lost chance to speak with her one last time.
She always put her kids first. While her time with them was tragically short, she truly lived and she so loved being a mom.
She never stopped reaching out to others and brightened so many lives. She taught her girls to include and love others, even people who seem quite different.
You never know how much time you have with a friend or your family. I lost the chance to tell her how much she meant to me because I assumed that she would still be there when I had time to reach out again.
From her I learned that being a mom matters so very much more than anything else you do.
I know that she is so proud of her girls and they lives they have created for themselves. I hope that I can teach my daughter half the things she taught hers.
